So, as we’ve definately established previously, I have a pretty strong sex drive. I also have a significant need for emotional intimacy, which has also been stated in earlier blogs. And I would imagine most folks, if they have read any significant number of my blogs thus far, understand that for me sex isn’t just a physical act, rather it is a melding of two people, a combination of physical and emotional intimacy within an atmosphere of mutual love and desire.
Friendship can take on a number of forms, from the casual to the intense. When friendships become deeper and more involved, people will often state that they will do anything for thier friends. Now, I would counter that this statement is not true and should not be made so casually, given that there a number of things that people normally will NOT do for / with thier friends (sex being one of them), regardless of how deep thier friendship is. There are also some behaviours that we won’t tolerate even in our friends. The commonality is that friends will take care of one another when the costs involved (time, financial, emotional, physical, etc) are not great. To allow for those sort of costs, a deeper relationship is called for.
This deeper relationship should not neccesarily be called lovers, though that wouldn’t be completely innaccurate. It is the point where you feel that another’s total well being IS your responability. You are going to make sure that thier needs are met, one way or another. In a healthy relationship of this sort, the other person (or persons) make sure that your needs are met as well. At this level, there are still limits, but the costs people in this sort of relationship will tolerate are much higher.
The term “cost” should not be treated lightly, or discarded as being matieralistic. Cost can represent all sorts of things. A friend of mine has a whose wife has severe OCD. We might not like to verbalize it, but the fact is that sharing your life with someone who has severe OCD represents a cost.
Oh, and before I continue, let me state this: if you are going to try and say that my saying and feeling something like that is shallow, well fuck you. I’ve gone through more than enough, and loved more than enough people that most other people felt were unlovable, and done enough things for people who needed help when everyone else would just let these people live in the gutter, I’ve been through, loved and helped enough that I can say this with authority and love, and you can take your meaningless existance and shove it up your ass.
That out of the way, we encounter all sorts of costs in our relationships, and in some of our more involved relationships, the costs can be pretty significant. Sometimes we take care of those we love financially. Sometimes we tolerate thier drug habits or other self destructive behaviors. Sometimes we live with the realities of being involved with someone who is seriously mentally ill, or physically handicapped. Perhaps we even tolerate them lashing out at us. Or maybe we support them even when they are not doing what they could to support themselves. There can be considerable discussion on the merits of these behaviours, and to what degree they represent codependency or enabling behaviors. That isn’t the question I’m trying to raise however.
As I stated before, I have a serious need for the special combination of physical and emotional intimacy that I refer to as sex. When I do not get it, I suffer. As time goes on, I get worse and worse. I can reach a point where I am unable to function. Now, my friends will give me someone to talk to about my feelings regarding my lack, and this is helpful, but just as talking about being hungry doesn’t make you not hungry, it doesn’t address the central issue. I don’t expect my friends to address the problem, as my well-being isn’t thier responsability. However, what puzzles the fuck out of me is what happens with the people in my life that are more than friends. Given my orientation, most of the people who I have deeper than a friendship with that are male are limited in thier options, though I have found most have been willing to excersise the options that they do have to see to my well being. But the women in my life that I have a deep relationship with, with some of them I find confusion. Most women that I end up with close to are definately my lovers, and they definately waste no time relieving me of my want, whenever they have the opportunity to do so. But some, women that I wouldn’t exactly call a lover, but we are far to close to consider each other friends, there is where to confusion is.
In these relationships, I see to my, I guess we’ll call them a companion, companion’s well being in whatever way I can. It might be emotionally, perhaps to a degree beyond what any of thier friends are willing to. Possibly financially or logistics help beyond which would be appropriate for a friendship. And they look after my needs….or at least some of them. They might cook for me, help me with my kids, help clean my home, and certainly listen to my rambling nonsence. All of this is definately appreciated and important to me. They will also tell me, emphatically, that my happiness is important to them. However, when I need sex, when I need confirmation of my value as a man, when I need to feel desired, suddenly I’m asking the impossible. What is this? How am I so retarded that I don’t get this? I’ve faced the real possibility of homelessness, and have endured serious emotional abuse, to see to the well being of some of these women. They proclaim to love me, and will do some things to care for me. They share thier deepest feelings with me. But when it comes to adding physical intimacy to the mix and completing it, suddenly I’m asking for something that is out of the question. I understand that there are difficulties involved at times, but why is it that in these relationships that I feel like the asshole for wanting one of my needs to be taken care of? I’ll get to the point where I accept that I’m just so fundamentally undesirable that that the behavior of these women is appropriate, but then someone else, that I don’t even have a deep relationship with, with show me some physical affection and I’m back to being confused. Part of me keeps thinking that the answer is just that I’m being a chump, but when they seem so earnest in thier love for me, I just don’t know.
I’m having a really hard time of it just now, and I just don’t know how much more I can stand. I feel completely worthless. I take care of people who are willing to watch me go through agony while they have the abilty to make it stop but choose not to. Yes, there are costs for them as well, for a variety of reasons, and I fully understand that. But the relationships I have with these women are no free ride for me either. I just don’t understand.