I seem to have fallen into a problem, one which I don’t have a good idea how to get a handle on.  Fairly recently, one of my relationships appears to have come to an end, or at least that is what it appears to be the case.  I’m completely fucked in the head about it, to put it mildly.  One of the reasons I’m able to be here to blog is that I’ve contracted for safety (a suicide prevention method, for those who don’t know) with both my wife and a close friend.  The other element that is keeping me here is that I’ve started taking Buspar again.  30 mg twice a day, the Buspar is helping, but I’m concerned that I might be having an unusual side effect.

Saturday (May 23rd) night I found myself with an unusual amount of energy, and was cleaning my office at 2 AM.  Sunday evening I completely blew up verbally at my wife after she critized me.  The critism was unjust, but my obscene verbal response was completely inappropriate.  At the time though, I thought it was fine.  Sunday night, I was trying to get the standup freezer to stay closed.  I got frustrated, fought with it, and before I knew it, I was throwing stuff all over the walkin pantry the freezer is in, and had bent the freezer door from punching it repeatedly.  At the point where I found myself trying to throw the freezer around, I realized I was completely out of control.  I was lucky that my wife and husband heard my manic screaming and came to help me (as well as clean up the freaking mess I had made).  Monday, I blew up verbally at my son,  leaving him in tears.  I didn’t even realize that my response had been inappropriate until hours later when my wife pointed it out to me.  A friend of mine prevented a second occurance of the same thing by getting my son to stop pestering me when she saw I was getting ready to flip out again.

I don’t know where this rage is coming from.  I suspect the Buspar is at least partially responsible.  I wonder however if this isn’t just a part of me that I normally keep in check, and that with all the stress I’m under, I’m losing my ability to do so.  The muscles in my eyes twitch so much sometimes that I have to press on my eyes to make them stop, so yes, I’m not handling this situation well.  I have found a few different sources of relief, and I’m doing my best to make good use of them.  I’ll let everyone know how things progress.  I’m just hoping to make it through this week (I have to commute all week this week because one of my coworkers is on his honeymoon) and to get through my sinus surgery next Monday.  Then I can go to pieces.

I’ve been thinking about my sexuality recently, and I’ve realized two important items -

1) I have pretty significant sexual needs

2) There is no reason that I shouldn’t expect these needs to be met by my sexual partners

Let me expand on these items.  First, my sexual needs.  I’ve realized, to start, that my sexual partner *needing* to have my cock in thier mouth on a regular basis is an absolute requirement of my sexual relationships.  I imagine there must be exceptions to this, but they would be pretty rare.  The reasons for this requirement are a bit more complex than one might think.  For me, someone blowing me is the ultimate physical acceptance, and given my issues with poor self esteem related to my body, it is a big deal.  I also need a D/s element in my sexual relationships.  Not in as big a way as I’ve seen in other relationships, but it does need to be there.  The oral sex issue ties into this as well: having my partner at my feet, my hands on thier head, and thier entire world wrapped up in what they have in thier mouth, is an incredible power exchange for me.  D/s also is expressed in the relationships I have by my keeping in mind throughout the day how I’m going to make use of my partner, and my partner keeping in mind throughout the day how they can please me.  My relationship doesn’t go on pause when I’m not with my partner, and I expect it not to go on pause for them either.

Now, for the second issue.  One might ask: where do I get off expecting as much as I do?  I’m not a super stud of some sort, and have ED issues to boot.  However, I am extremely passionate and I’ve had a number of happy partners in my life.  So, since I have been able to have my needs met before, and having my needs met are important to my happiness, I’ve come to the realization that it just doesn’t make sense, for me or my partners, for me to accept being in a relationship where my sexual needs are not being met. 

Some folks with think that I’m being an ass for demanding so much.  That’s fine, I won’t have sex with them.  Others will think that this is all very obvious, the second portion anyway.  Well, it took me awhile to realize it, but yeah, I probably should have seen this awhile ago. 

A Horny Pippin

A couple positives have rolled down the pike since I posted last.  I’ve been able to get out of a cosigned car loan that was making my life very difficult.  Granted, it is because the car was reposessed, I’m still going to be responsible for the difference between the balance of the loan and what the bank is able to get for the car (which will probably be about $2,500), and my credit has largely been ruined.  Even given all of this it is still a positive.  The car is off of my insurance, and I’m no longer responsible for what happens while someone else drives it.  Difficult situation, but at least it is basically resolved.

I’ve also come to the conclusion that I’m a worthwhile human being (actually have realized that before) and therefore, if someone in my life doesn’t seem to value my contributions to thier life, it isn’t a measure of my value but rather a statement of thier priorities.  I’m going to have a seperate post related to this insight, but simply it has made it easier for me to make better decisions about making my own inter-personal relationship priority decisions.  This might sound pretty rarified, but believe me, it make a positive difference to me.

So things are continuing to look up.  I plan on getting back to using my CPAP (breathing machine) regularly, I’m taking my meds, I’ll be having sinus surgery on June 1st to deal with the reoccurring sinus infections, and I should start doing my night exercises again soon.  So life is good.  I also want to start getting together with all of you again, and stop being so anti-social.  I even called my younger sister recently. 

A positive Pippin