You know, it never occurred to me that a point would come in my life where I just didn’t matter.  Erica doesn’t want me anymore, and it would appear that I never was really special to her in the first place.  My wife wants me, but only as long as I don’t cause any trouble.  My husband would be just as happy with me gone, with the possible exception of my income.  My kids love me, and would miss me, but I really wonder for how long.  I’ve either burnt my friends or they have just moved on to other things.  I never thought I would be redundant.  Many things, but not that.  I’d move out, kill myself, or whatever, but I really don’t even know what the point would be.

Well, it’s done.  Erica finally let me know: she no longer wants to be with me sexually.  Ever.  She still wants to be close, but how does that work?  I get to see her, with her new man, or whoever she’s sleeping with, and see what I wanted so bad and couldn’t have.  I thought I could make it work, but obviously not.  I’m a damned fool, really.  She wasn’t hot for me from day one, and I should have realized that it meant that it would never work.  Just to add to that, my wife is thinking that her and I should get divorced.  I’m losing everything that I’ve based my life on.  I have no idea what to do, but it certainly looks like it won’t be more of the same.

Pippin

You know, I realize that people might not quite understand something that is *really* important to knowing who I am.  Despite concerns I raise, or even things that I bitch about, I really do love my wife.  I wasn’t destined to have her as mine, but some how I tricked life and have managed to have her with me anyway.  This is my first lifetime with her, but I’m determined not to have it be my last.  If I don’t figure out how to make things right between her and I, it will be, but I feel like we’ll make it.  I normally frown on using song lyrics in blog posts, but I’m going to break my own rule this time and include some.  They express some of the feelings I have for my wife that I otherwise lack the words to express.  Enjoy!

One Rainy Wish, by Jimi Hendrix

A there you were under the tree of song
Sleeping so peacefully
In your hand a flower played
A waiting there for me.

I have never
Laid eyes on you
Not like a before
This timeless day
A but you walked and ya ha
Once smiled my name
And you stole
My heart away
A stole my heart away little girl, yeah
All right !

Gold and rose, the color of the dream I had
Not too long ago
Misty blue and lilac too
A never to grow old.

Gold and rose, the color of the dream I had
Misty blue and lilac too
Gold and rose, the color of the dream I had
Misty blue and lilac too
Gold and rose, gold and rose, gold and rose.

It’s only a dream
I’d love to tell somebody about this dream
The sky was filled with a thousand stars
While the sun kissed the mountains blue
And eleven moons played across the rainbows
Above me and you.
Gold and rose the color of the velvet walls surrounds us.