I’ve been thinking about posting this blog for awhile now, but things kept changing, so I kept figuring I’d wait until the situation settled some before blogging about it. Well, objects are still in motion, but I need to get some of these thoughts down, so here goes. As most of you who are reading this already know, I am currently involved with a young woman. Her name is not Erica, but we’ll call her Erica. My wife has given her approval of this relationship, and in fact, up until recently, Erica was living with my family and I. She maintained an apartment of her own so that she could still have the security of having somewhere that absolutely was her’s, but she always stayed with my family. Or to put it more accurately, our (including her) family, as she was basically a member of the family rather than a house guest. The particulars of this arrangement were difficult at times, but everyone felt she was a member of the family of one sort or another. Erica and I were occasionally physically intimate……not as often as I’d like, certainly, and there was some conflict with my wife related to the physical side of Erica and my relationship, but every indication was that this conflict could be resolved positively for everyone involved. The situation wasn’t perfect, but it was definately more along the lines of what I’d always wanted…..all of us living together, living as a family, me sleeping (not sex, actually sleeping) with both of my partners on a regular basis……more of what I’d always wanted than I ever thought I’d get, to be honest. Again, plenty of room for improvement, but certainly worth putting the work in.
Well, Erica was also involved with and very much in love with a friend of our’s, someone we’ll call Christov. Thier relationship didn’t give Erica everything she was looking for, but she still loves Christov very much all the same. On the 2nd, Christov was in an accident and he passed away on the 4th. Erica was obviously devastated. A long time friend of Christov’s, someone we’ll Chip, showed up on the 2nd when he found out what had happened to Christov. Erica and Chip were able to lean on each other during a very difficult time, and grew close. During the week after the 2nd events occurred that took some bad feelings that had existed between Erica and my wife and between Erica and my husband, and made them much worse. There was also some turmoil with our neighbors, and Erica needed to not be around the house for awhile. So the inital plan was that Erica would hang out at Chip’s for awhile, and then go back to her apartment while she patched things up with my wife and husband.
Instead, Erica found that she really enjoyed being with Chip, and that she couldn’t really afford her apartment anyway. She decided to get rid of her apartment and move into Chip’s rather than moving back to my home. She still wants to patch things up with my wife and husband, but she isn’t planning on moving back in with us. Furthermore, her and Chip have talked about having a serious relationship, and that the relationship would be a monogamous one. This obviously would significantly change the relationship Erica and I have. Also, Chip and my family travel in different circles, so there is every reason to believe that the more she is involved with Chip, the less she’ll be involved with my family.
So, as the title says, what happens now? I imagine that Erica is going to move on and leave my family. I am just about in a complete panic at the thought, to be honest, but there really isn’t anything I can do about it. It seems like she is able to get more of what she wants with Chip than with my family. It hurts……hurts so much to put so much of myself into a relationship with her, only to see that it just wasn’t enough. I don’t know how to not have her sleeping next to me. I don’t have any idea how to try forming a new relationship with someone else. I certainly have been involved with a number of women before Erica during the time I’ve been with my wife. However, there’s never before been someone that I really thought could have a good enough relationship with my wife that I thought things could work out long term. What I want is to have someone join my family and be with us……how the hell do you ask someone that? And my wife has problems forming new relationships with people, so how do I ask someone to join my family, when I’ve already got two kids, a wife that comes off as very reserved, and a husband that seems completely indifferent? I’m certainly enthusiastic, but until you get to know my wife you’d think she doesn’t like you. Before, I always thought it didn’t matter particularly: I figured as long as the relationship between me and the new woman was good, and my new partner “got along” with my wife, that was all that was needed. But that’s the surest way for things to fail. My partners, new and old, need to be partners themselves….if not sexually, at least close friends that feel like equals in the larger relationship, friends that all are looking out for each other’s interests. I felt like Erica and my family had / could have that. I don’t have the slightest idea of how to make something like that happen again. The situation that resulted in Erica coming into our lives was really unique and not something we could repeat. So I’m not really sure how to proceed, how to accept Erica leaving, or how to go on from here.
To make things worse, problems between my wife and I that Erica had been able to help us with are coming right back to the fore, and I don’t know how to go back to dealing with them now that I’ve seen life without those problems. I know that’s not very specific, but it is as specific as I want to go into just now.
Well, I’m going to post this. Some folks might be pissed that I’m posting this, but I’ve got to be able to talk about this. I’m not angry at anyone about how this has all gone down. I just don’t know how to deal with it.
Pippin
